Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Strange Statistic

I wrote more posts for this blog in the month of July than I wrote in January through April of this year!  One might think that I've been doing many more interesting things than I actually have been.  More realistically, I think it's just my internet self trying to say, "hey, I'm still here!"

I've Been Scooped!

I thought I was unique in bringing my quest for a fantastic burger to Oahu, but then I found this blog!  At least now I have a source.  I went to the Cheeseburger Factory in the Ala Moana Center food court tonight, and I have to say that my opinion was slightly different than theirs.  They gave it a pretty bad review, but I liked it okay.  It was definitely a "lunch burger" though.

My viewpoint may have been skewed as it was the only "real" food I'd eaten that day.  (Story segue time!)  I finally got to take my competency exam for work.  It was fairly simple and straightforward:  seven practical stations about essential aspects of forensic anthropology.  It took forever, though!  It was taking so long that I skipped lunch, so the only food I ate at work today was a cupcake from the General's wife.  After taking the test for almost six hours, I felt like this:
Oh my gosh, I freaking love Snape so much.
Of course, I wasn't going to eat the plain pasta that I'd brought with me because it was the kind of day that's so intense that in order to make things right, an animal has to die.  Burger time!  (Can you believe I was ever a vegetarian?)  So I went with my friend Sarah and her boyfriend to Ala Moana Center and we hit up the food court like the classy folks we are.  

Then we meandered around the mall and went to the Pacific Place Tea Room (which isn't a room at all, but a little kiosk in the mall) and got macaroons:  mine was Mango-Lime, Sarah's was Red Velvet.  I quite liked it--it was very fresh-tasting and not too overwhelming in any flavor direction to keep it interesting.

Basically, it was a pretty not bad day!  (Except for the fact that my office-mate and I now know the answer to the question, how many forensic anthropologists does it take to evict a giant cockroach from the building?)

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Two and One

Here are two things that people said to me today:

Temple worker outside of the women's dressing room:  "You look so bright-eyed...does anything escape your gaze?"  Er...probably?  

Girl from church I ran into at the Temple Visitor's Center:  "You could date [name of guy]; you guys are both Caucasian!"  Hey, I just met you, this is crazy, but we're both white...call me maybe?

One thing that nobody is going to say:

Man:  "Of all the women in Hawaii, I'm really hoping to land the nearsighted brunette with the modest bosom."  One of the many hitches in my plan to go on dates here.

Actually, this guy might say something like that.
He is white, so we're good to go.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Flightless Birds

The birds here are strange.

My roommate and I were driving yesterday, and this bird runs out into the road, sees us coming, and then turns around and runs back.  I thought (ironically) oh bird, if only there were some evolutionary adaptation that could allow you to avoid cars a different way.

Is flying difficult, I wonder?  I knew someone who studied birds, but I never thought to ask her about it.  Birds fly.  It's just what they do.  Is Hawaii so hot or so relaxed that the birds just forgot how?

Then, because I'm very "deep" these days, I went into metaphor mode.

[Now, so I don't further aggravate all the people who hate me for complaining about Hawaii, feel free to replace "Hawaii" with "new place" and "Boston" with "old place."]

In Boston I grew a lot.  One might even say that I "evolved."  Maybe I didn't become more awesome, because I was already pretty awesome, but it was the first time that I felt comfortable enough with my awesomeness to show my awesomeness off to the world.

I'm afraid that moving here will cause me to regress, to become the awkward, closed-off person that it took me three years to outgrow.

I'm afraid of forgetting how to fly.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Christmas in July

It's hot here.  I thought listening to Christmas music would help, but I chose the wrong album:  "Wintersong" by Sarah McLachlan*.  It's still hot here, and now I'm just feeling melancholy.


"Song for a Winter's Night"

At least this is happening now.  I don't think I could handle it at actual Christmas.  Oh well, back to wishing I had a river that I could skate away on...

*This is the only time that I will use the words "wrong" and "Sarah McLachlan" in the same sentence.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

My Sacrament Meeting Talk

This weekend, I prepared a ten-minute Sacrament meeting talk that was some of my best work.  I felt really good about everything that I put in it, and I'll even go so far as to say that I think some of it was inspired.

Then I fell victim to what I call The Curse of the Closing Speaker.  The second speaker went way over time and I was left with only five minutes.  I was a little perturbed, and I was so tempted to go against everything I believe in and go over time myself, but I couldn't do that.  I took the last five minutes of the meeting time and gave half of my talk.

I almost cried when I sat back down.  My talk was so good and I felt so cheated at not being able to give it! So I'm going to sum up my talk here on my blog.

My topic was "Finding Strength in the Scriptures".  Because I don't like to talk in hypotheticals, I wanted to demonstrate (I'm not a good enough philosopher to prove) logically that it was possible to find strength in the scriptures.  Feeling rather literal, I looked in the Topical Guide for "Strength".  Coming up with scriptures like Exodus 15:2, 2 Samuel 22:33, and Mosiah 9:17, it's clear to see that our strength is our God.  There are multiple scripture references wherein the Lord is equated with His Word (Revelation 19:13, for instance).  So if we define the scriptures as The Word of God, we can rationalize that is is indeed possible to derive strength from the scriptures.  So how do we do this?

If you had to describe the scriptures to someone who had never heard of them before, and had to do so without mentioning God or doctrine, you could say that the scriptures are "a collection of stories about people doing hard things".  In the scriptures we find examples of people who persevered/endured when they had it way worse than we do.  We can find parallels to our own lives when we feel lost, overwhelmed, alone, and hopeless.

We can find strength in the scriptures by learning essential doctrine to keep us on the right path away from temptation.  We can be reminded of the blessings of righteousness and the consequences of sin.  Finally, we can be reminded of the Atonement and the promises our Heavenly Father gives us.  Scriptures that are especially precious to me when I need comfort and inspiration are D&C 121:7-8 and D&C 122:7-9.

I then referenced Richard G. Scott's 2011 talk, "The Power of Scripture".

Some scriptural examples of people finding strength in the scriptures:
  • 2 Nephi 4:15.  Nephi glories in the scriptures at a hard time in his life:  his father just died and he's stuck with Laman and Lemuel, who are, by all accounts, horrible people.
  • Matthew 4:1-11.  Christ (whom we should consider the ultimate example of spiritual strength) endures temptation during His fast (a time of physical and emotional weakness) by quoting scripture. 
Then (and this is the part of my talk that I wasn't able to give, even though I wanted to so much!), I proposed a different way of looking at taking strength from the scriptures by telling the following stories/examples:
  • Jacob 1:2,4.  One of the things I find most fascinating about the Book of Mormon is how tedious it must have been to engrave all of those records on brass plates, and yet these people felt what they were writing was so important that they did it anyway.
  • Moroni 1:1-4.  To paraphrase this chapter, Moroni is basically saying, "So I didn't think I was going to write anymore, because I thought I'd be dead by now since all of these Lamanites are trying to kill me, but since I'm not dead, I guess I'll write some more because it might be worthwhile to the Lamanites (who are trying to kill me, by the way)."
  • Moving forward a thousand years or so, we see the examples of John Wycliffe and William Tyndale, people who were viewed as heretics and killed because they tried to translate the Bible into English.
  • Then there's the story of the martyrdom of Joseph and Hyrum Smith, as described in Jeffrey R. Holland's testimony of the Book of Mormon.
Basically where I was going with these examples is that tremendous effort, sacrifice--sweat and blood--went  into assembling the scriptures.  While the scriptures are the Word of God, but there is an indisputable human component to them as well.  As we read and study the scriptures, we show that those sacrifices and efforts are not in vain.  The scriptures are imbued with the testimonies and spirits of those who cared enough about us to give them to us, and we can gain strength from them as we read them.

So that was basically my talk.  People did seem to like the parts I gave, though, and I felt that it was pretty skillful on my part to make it all work in five minutes.  Maybe next time I get asked to speak in Sacrament meeting, I'll give the second half (or so I "joked" to the Branch President afterwards).  But at least I got to share it with you all.

In other news, I got called to be Relief Society Music Coordinator.  I guess I'm going to be pigeonholed in music callings for the rest of my days.  Sigh.

Saturday, July 21, 2012


A few days ago, I blogged about my target GRE scores (I'm not going to link to it, just scroll down if you want to see what they are).  I decided that if I get these scores, I'm going to reward myself by buying myself a box set of all seven Harry Potter books as I've finally read them all, and after tonight, will have seen all the movies.

In other news, here are some things about my day that were good:  I went to the dentist and had zero cavities; I ate Panda Express for lunch (Chow Mein and Chow Fun--I like the Chow Mein Better--with Orange Chicken and Eggplant Tofu); I went shopping at the Ala Moana Center (the most intimidatingly large mall ever, but fun to walk around and have a mindless shopping day); I bought as much produce as I could carry at Sam's Club; and I got an awesome present in the mail from Laura Taylor.

Friday, July 20, 2012

What Should I Call Forensic Anthropology?

If I were more inspired had more free time to waste I would make one of those Tumblr pages like the ones they have about law school, grad school, and being Mormon*, but I'd make it about forensic anthropology.  Since there aren't too many forensic anthropologists though, it probably wouldn't be stunningly popular, but here's one that I came up with today:

Coloring in my Homunculus:

*Laura Taylor, don't you dare look this one up until after you take the bar exam!


I'm taking the GRE again for two reasons:  1) I hate fun, and 2) My original scores (though quite respectable) are four years old, and some programs to which I'm applying want scores that are a little more recent.  So I'm studying again, and I'm a little more intimidated this time, as I've spent the past years surrounded by some really smart people who have made me realize that my scores were not as awesome as I thought they were*.  It's okay though, because this motivates me to really study and kick the Revised GRE's bum.

Now fun as it may be, bum-kicking is a very vague goal, so here, for all the world to witness, are my target scores for the GRE (which has been revised so that it's now scored from 130-170 instead of 200-800):

Verbal Reasoning:  165 (95th Percentile)
Quantitative Reasoning:  167 (96th Percentile)
Analytical Writing:  5.0 (92nd Percentile)**

If I don't meet these goals, I won't kill myself or anything, but I'll probably have to start dating dumber guys.

*Really, they were fine.  Maybe not NSF-GRFP fine, but good enough to get me looked at seriously by a lot of good programs.
**Because it's really, really hard for me to get inspired in only 30 minutes.

Monday, July 16, 2012

How Today Ended up Not Sucking

What?  A positive post from Little Miss Mopey Von Hatesithere?  That's right.  Today had major sucking potential, but it all got turned around.

I was supposed to go meet the head honcho of the Forensic Science Academy at the other laboratory building on Pearl Harbor at 1300 (that's 1:00 for you civilian-types) so I figured I'd walk there from where my office is on my lunch hour.  I used to walk everywhere in Provo and Boston, so no sweat, right?

Turns out, lots of sweat.  So much sweat.  It was freaking hot outside at high noon (but apparently only on one side--my arms are asymmetrically sunburned now).  To top it all off, I got lost.  The bad thing about these military bases is that everything looks the same.  There are no landmarks.  Here's an analogy for you Boston people:

Turn left at the tan building with the brown roof : Hickam :: Turn left at the Dunkin' Donuts : Boston

Yeah.  Also, it doesn't help that my sense of direction is nonfunctional on this island where everything is basically one big circle and there are extra directional terms like "Windward" and "Leeward" (still will never know which one is which).  I digress.

So Hot Alex + Running Late Alex + Lost Alex = Frustrated, angry, tearful Alex.  

Thankfully, I figured out where I was supposed to go (it turns out I had turned right when I should have turned left so there was some backtracking involved) and got there only fifteen minutes late (I called the guy and told him I was late/lost and it was fine).  I still looked (and smelled) way worse than I would ever want to look (and smell) for an appointment with a really important forensic anthropologist.  After spending two minutes at the water fountain and thirty seconds in the ladies' room wiping off my face, I sat down with the guy to talk about my assessment.   Here's where the "not sucking" happened:

What I was expecting:  "You call yourself a forensic anthropologist?  You giant fraud!  How did you even get this job!  Leave this place immediately!"

What actually happened:  "Overall, good work.  Here are a few things that you need to fix*, but I think you'll do well here."

Also, there was an impromptu quiz on fragmentary osteology.  I rocked the pants off of that impromptu quiz on fragmentary osteology.  

Sure, I still smell awful, and my right arm has attained a level of crimson lacking in my left arm, but things turned out not all that bad.  With all of these experiences that I have, I've kind of developed a new way of thinking:

"When life sucks, don't worry:  you still have forensic anthropology."

Skeleton, you are my friend.

*Like photography, which was no surprise.  I suck at taking pictures, probably because cameras that are worth more than my life intimidate the heck out of me.


My right hand hasn't yet forgotten that it used to wear a ring.  I haven't worn a ring on my right hand for over a month, and yet my thumb keeps pawing* at where it used to be.  I wish habits, like rings, were also things that could be put away in one's jewelry box.

*Can thumbs paw?  I can't think of a better verb.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Why I Don't Hate Hawaii

I've told many people about all the reasons I hate Hawaii, and because I love unsolicited advice so effing much, people have given me a few of their own.  This is for all of those people:

I don't hate Hawaii because:
  1. I have some sort of disorder.
  2. I'm not "making enough of an effort" or "trying hard enough" to enjoy it.
  3. I had to leave a boyfriend to come here.
  4. I'm not a "normal" person.
  5. I decided to hate it from the beginning and am therefore ignoring anything I do like.
Can you tell that I'm in a really crap mood right now?  I must be, to use words like "effing" and "crap" in my blog post.

Short post today, but lighting all of these bridges on fire really took it out of me.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Here I Go Again...

It's Angry Blog Post Time!  Remember my post back in May about the overwhelming amount of "Single Saints" articles on my now-former ward's website?  Go back and refresh, I'll wait.

I thought they'd died down, but then this happened:

I know, I could just stop following the page and take myself off the list, but I'm a masochist and like to see all the Boston things I'm missing while I'm in my Hawaii apartment studying for the GRE on a weekend because I have no friends in my singles' branch here.  

My online written response was a simple, "oh, good grief," but my actual response was a little bit more wordy.  This "advice" (and I use the quotes because this is advice in the most loose sense, so much so that it's not actually advice at all, come to think of it) basically assumes that all LDS Single Adults have the emotional maturity of nineteen-year-old BYU freshmen.  Ooh, and stereotypes!  Did you know that, after being rejected, all single LDS women binge-eat and watch six-hour-long Jane Austen movies?  Yes, it's true!  Gag me.

While I'd love to go on about how dumb this all is, I'll instead move on to my larger point, which is the following:  IT'S NOT THAT FREAKING BIG OF A DEAL!!!!!  All these articles and stories about the talk just reinforce this idea that dating is this huge, scary, overwhelming thing where you have the potential to  have your heart completely destroyed beyond repair, and this idea is the reason nobody dates!

I dated* a guy one time.  Do you want to know how our "talk" went?  Him:  "I really like you."  Me:  "I really like you, too."  Both of us:  "Cool, now let's proceed to the snogging**."  That was it.  Done.  You know why?  Because there were enough unspoken indicators that we were already on the same page and we weren't all "high stress" about it!  

My advice (for what it's worth):  Date people that you like.  If you like them, show them.  If you don't like people, don't date them.  Girls, don't keep saying "yes" to a guy if you don't like him, no matter how good the free meals are.  Also everyone, if you're holding hands/snuggling/snogging, at least one of you is going to get the idea that something more than friendship is brewing, so don't be slutty.  Let's get the dark, looming cloud away from dating, shall we?

*Note the past tense.  Take that, all you "Not everyone is in a relationship, you know" commenters.  Not that being in one should sway one's opinions at all.  Want proof?  Check out this post, written pre-relationship.
**Kidding...sort of.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

My Actual "To-Do" List

I'm determined to stop hating Hawaii.  It's the only way I'll survive, because I've heard from more than one source that trudging through and counting weeks is not going to do any good.  So because I like making lists for everyone to read, here is my checklist for how to start tolerating this place:

  • Go to the beach at least once a month.  My old roommate Chris had this poster in her room saying that the cure for everything was salt water:  sweat, tears, and the sea.  I've had enough sweat (it's hot here, okay?) and tears in the past few weeks; it's time for some sea.
  • Go to the Laie Temple at least once a month.  The temple is already one of my happiest places, and having it be a beautiful temple like this one can only be happier.
And I'm not even going to make a comment on how it's not the Boston Temple!
  • Climb a Banyan tree.  These are the coolest things ever and as soon as I can find a good one that's not next to where I work with a bunch of really well-paid forensic anthropologists who will judge me, Imma climb that bad boy.
This is one right outside of one of the CIL labs.  So tempting to climb it on my lunch break!
  • Get brave enough to jump off the rock at Waimea Beach.  Google Image search that one if you want to see it (I don't have to do everything, you know).  It's this really big rock that kind of looks like Jabba the Hut, and people jump off of it into the ocean.  There's a high part and a low part, but if I can jump off the low part, I'll feel pretty triumphant.
  • Go on ≥ 3 dates with ≤ 3 people.  This one probably won't happen for a reasonable/appropriate amount of time, but I do want to date a bit, if for nothing more than some free Hawaiian dinners.
  • Buy and learn to play a ukulele.  It's the only musical instrument I can purchase here that will travel well.  And then I can finally compose the mash-up of "Mele Kalikimaka" and "Blue Christmas" I've got going in my head and play it at a Christmas party!
  • Meet Daniel Dae Kim.  I know he's married and too old for me, but he's so darn attractive and he lives here somewhere!  I've never celebrity-stalked before, and I figure it's a female rite-of-passage.
  • Get a little bit tan.  This is a thing that I have mixed feelings about.  On the one hand, I don't want to get skin cancer, and I don't want to alter my pale skin/dark hair/green eyes combination, which I think is one of my favorite things about my appearance.  On the other hand, I hear sunlight is a good remedy for depression and it would be sort of nice to no longer be the pastiest haole (pronounced "howlie") on this island.  So we'll see...maybe I'll tan...or just get more freckles.
So there's my list.  I think I can manage to do all of these things and still go to work, right?  At any rate, I'm turning over a new leaf (or palm frond) and maybe, just maybe, I'll learn to like it here!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

"Cooking Is a Pleasant Diversion"

(Quote by Fawn M. Brodie)

Unrelated to any of this, when I was looking for the quote for the title and came across this one from Harriet Van Horne:
"Cooking is like love.  It should be entered into with abandon or not at all."
I'm not certain I agree, but more on this later, maybe.

At any rate, I've decided that if I can like nothing else about Hawaii, I can come to appreciate the cuisine, and as I don't do well with private lists as they are usually tiny pieces of paper that get lost somewhere with nobody to follow up on my progress, I'm making this blog post my "to-cook" list.  Here are the Hawaiian things I'm going to learn to make while I'm here (with pictures from the internet):
  • Chocolate Haupia Pie:  Imagine a coconut cream pie with chocolate mousse topped in whipped cream.  So good.
This is one from a place called Ted's.  It's really good, but if I can make it for less than $12, I will.
  • Poi Malasadas:  When I first saw this purple starchy thing, I thought of another purple starchy thing--Chicha Morada, this disgusting South American purple corn drink that tastes like bubblegum.  Malasadas, however, are not like that.  Instead, they're like a perfectly soft taro doughnut.

Okay, so my "to-cook" list is more of a "to-bake" list and it's not so much of a list as me writing down two things I want to bake, but I will learn to bake them and update with pictures and the recipes!

A Thing I Just Realized

When I left Boston, I thought that I thought of all the things that I was leaving and that I would miss out on while I was here, but all of a sudden, I realized I forgot one:  I can no longer easily go to Europe.

I have never been to Europe, and I never had any concrete plans to go there, but I took it for granted that Europe was so close and so accessible to New England.  I could have easily hopped on a plane to Iceland (as it seems everyone does, these days) and done my own tour of the Great World, but I never did.

Sure, I'm a bit closer to Asia at present, but between my work schedule and my fear of going to a place where I don't even know a tiny bit of the language, I doubt I'll be taking any holidays in Vietnam or Japan this year.

Upon my return to Boston (which is going to happen in fewer than 50 weeks), I am going to make concrete plans to go to Europe.  I finally have a passport and I can stock up on all my vaccinations (free of charge--this place does have its perks) on base before I leave here.  Then, it's off to the British Isles, Spain, France, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, the Czech Republic, Italy, and Greece!

Or, at the very least, Iceland.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Oh, Heart...

Does anybody remember the song "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You" by the group Heart?  I had forgotten all about it, having not heard it in fifteen years or so until quite recently.  Strangely, next to the reggae remix of Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know," it seems to be the favorite song of Hawaii radio stations.  Take a moment to refresh with the music video, and really listen to the words:

Just so we're on the same page here, this is a song about having unprotected sex with hitchhikers to conceive the child that your husband couldn't give you.  Everyone got that?  Good.  Here are some other thoughts:
  • All of the YouTube commenters were like, "oh, her poor cuckolded husband!"  Do you really not think the husband was in on it?  I think that if you've exhausted all of your baby-making options to the point where you're like, "Drifter?", a husband should be wise enough to know that any baby that comes out of his wife is not his. 
  • On that note, I know it's the eighties and therefore not as medically-advanced, but were there really no other baby-making options?  Adoption?  Sperm donor?  Maybe it was like in LOST where Sun finds out that Jin is the infertile one but he's so prideful that he'll get super angry and start beating her, in which case, she should just leave him and run off with drifter-man permanently.
  • I like how at the end of the video when the woman runs into the guy again (who is now wearing glasses, which means that he's gone legit) he seems all surprised that she has his baby.  Really?  Not only did you have unprotected sex with this strange woman, but the note she left didn't tip you off at all?  "You are the seed?" "We planted a tree?" Come on, guy.  
  • If this woman knew anything about statistics, she'd know that 84% of hitchhikers are serial killers.  Maybe she got off scot-free, but that kid of hers probably has some latent serial killer genes, and we all know how much serial killers love their mothers.
Dear Heart, thank you for this life-changing piece of music with all of its clever (and not at all overt) euphemisms.  This is sarcastic, of course.  Next time you get the "inspiration" to write a song like this, just leave it Alone (get it?  Alone?).  

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Restaurant Review: Teddy's Bigger Burgers

I always forget to take pictures of my food until I'm four bites in.  But this way you can see the inside of the burger better, right?
My quest continues!  While I've temporarily closed the book on Boston, I'm now out to find the Best Burger in Honolulu.  Yelp.com listed this place at the top of the list, and my roommate said she'd been there and liked it as well.  Teddy's is a chain with multiple locations (see their website for a list), but we went to the one in Kailua.  It was a nice sixties-esque atmosphere, though very "no shirt, no shoes, no problem."  It's the kind of place where you order at the counter and they give you a pager when your food is ready.  I ordered the cheeseburger combo which came with fries and a drink and it came to about $9.50.  It took a little longer than I would have liked to get my food, but I think it was worth the wait.

In my burger quest, I've decided I need to be a little more objective with my scoring system, so here's me being as objective about food as I can be, using the A-F letter grade system.

  • Structural Integrity (does the thing fall apart and drip everywhere?):  A-.  It was a little bit drippy, but the thing stayed together.  Not messy at all.
  • Burger-to-Bun ratio (are you left with one thing but not the other at the end?):  A.  The last bite contained not only both burger and bun, but also part of a pickle.
  • Topping Quality (what toppings are there?  are they good?):  A-.  Lettuce, Tomato, Pickles, and Onions.  All tasted good, and one thing I liked was that the onions were really thinly sliced so it wasn't overwhelmingly oniony.  It was also topped with "super sauce" which was a zingy and slightly spicy topping.  It was interesting, but I think I prefer Thousand Island or Russian dressing.
  • Topping Distribution (are the toppings evenly distributed?):  B-.  There was only one tomato and it was off to the side.  The pickles were also kind of localized to one side.  Normally this isn't an issue, but they were stuck to the cheese and couldn't be moved.
  • Burger Patty (a more subjective thing):  B.  It was decent, cooked medium, and flat and thin.  It tasted fine, but I've had better.
  • Fries (an integral part of the burger experience):  A.  Thick-cut and non-greasy.  They were well seasoned but not too salty.  They had a nice stand-alone quality, but there were way too many and I couldn't finish.
  • Overall:  A-.  It's kind of rough to grade the first one, because I don't know what else is out there.  I'll definitely go here again, though!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Cool Things That Only Forensic Anthropologists Say (Part 1 of ?)

To all you lawyers and philosophers and biologists and whomever else reads this, here are the beginnings of a list of things that you'll never get to say in your jobs:

  1. "Post-traumatic subarticular necrotic lesion"
  2. "I just have to color in my homunculus." 
More to come!