Special Dating Post: Finding Your Holiday Romance

Merry Christmas, gentle readers!  If you're anything like me, you're probably finding yourself single this holiday season.  If you are me, you're finding yourself single this holiday season and spending all of your Christmas vacation watching made-for-TV holiday movies on the Hallmark Channel and ABC Family.  But, because I am brilliant, during this time I figured out exactly how to find true love just in time for Christmas (or New Year's Eve, at the very latest), and while it may be too late for me, I would love to impart this wisdom upon you, gentle readers.  Here are four strategies:

1. The Lie.  Heading home for the holidays?  Family giving you a hard time because in addition to their disapproval of your career choice, you're still single?  Just hire a fake significant other to come home with you--nobody will suspect a thing (which is good, because the truth would just about kill your great grandmother).  Your faux-beau could be an actor, an acquaintance, or just someone that walked into your place of employment one day.  It doesn't matter whether you like each other; it doesn't matter if they're not single in real life; it doesn't even matter if you kidnapped them at gunpoint; once you reveal personal secrets to each other and once you're forced to kiss under the mistletoe in front of everyone, the sparks will fly and you will go from "fakin'" to "taken."*  
2. The Relocation.  No luck finding love in the big city?  Just find yourself in a tiny town for the holiday.  Extra points if it's against your will, and even more points if it's a town that's inexplicably obsessed with Christmas.  Your true love will be pretty easy to find in said small town, because he/she will literally be the only other person your age.  When you first find yourself attracted to this single-parent/widower/veterinarian/volunteer-hockey-coach, be careful, because (as their not-apparently-related older acquaintance will tell you), nobody ever thought he/she would move on after nonspecific-tragic-event.  But in the end (and after you use your big-city know-how to save the town from some crisis), you will be in love, not only with single-parent/widower/veterinarian/volunteer-hockey-coach, but also with small town life, and most importantly, with Christmas.  
3. The Switch.  Don't like your life?  Take somebody else's!  Swap houses with a complete stranger (bonus points if it's a city-mouse/country-mouse situation--see #2).  This is probably one of the more high-reward tactics:  not only will you end up with someone from stranger's hometown, stranger will end up with one of the many people with whom you're having no luck romantically!  Two lovebirds, one stone.  
4. Magic.  Sometimes a case is so hopeless that earthly forces are insufficient.  In these cases, thank goodness for magical Christmas ornaments and older men who may or may not be Santa Claus.  They will manipulate the world so that you'll have a chance to relive that bad date over and over until you get it right, or they'll keep letting you run into that handsome stranger until he realizes how wrong-for-him his snooty rich girlfriend actually is.  At the end, you will give a kiss to your new honey, and a knowing wink to a light in the sky that is definitely your guardian angel and not an airplane.

Gentle readers, there is one week until Christmas.  I have full faith that, by using one or more of these tactics, you will be engaged by 2015.  Good luck!

*I am so, so sorry for that rhyme.

We Need a Little Christmas...Just Not Quite This Very Minute

At a much darker time in my life, I had a small* role in a high school production of Mame.  For those who don't know Mame, it's probably in the top ten of worst musicals ever.  Basically the only good things to come from this musical are the title song and the ever popular "We Need a Little Christmas."

I still remember one line as croaked sung by the sophomore "tenor"** playing young Patrick:

But Auntie Mame, it's one week from Thanksgiving Day now!

In other words, in 1929/30 or whenever this was supposed to be taking place (sometime in the midst of the Depression, at any rate), it was preposterous to be putting up Christmas decorations a week after Thanksgiving.

We've come a long way since the roaring and/or depressed 1920s.  The gin is out of the bathtub and back in the stores.  You know what's also in the stores?  Christmas decorations.  Starting in October.  Tinsel and red and green wrapping paper and colored lights pushed the costumes and fun-sized candy bars off the shelves before Halloween was even cold in the ground.  It's unfair, I tell you.

I went to the drug store today, two days before Thanksgiving.  The Christmas music was playing nonstop!  I wanted to plead, "just give us two more days, then go nuts!"  Poor Thanksgiving, the overlooked middle child of the holiday season, my favorite of all holidays.

Christmas can be magical.  But when we try to prolong the magic, by the time it's actually Christmas it's become spoiled and exhausted.  Instead of having Christmas to be some big event that we have to spend months "getting ready" for, why can't it sneak up on us naturally, descending upon us as lightly as that first snowflake after Thanksgiving?***

Just something to think about, I guess.



*And by "small" I mean microscopic.  That director did not like me for some reason...probably because I wasn't good at dancing or brown-nosing.  But I'm over it...I got my self-esteem back when I got cast in secondary roles in college operas as a non-voice major.  Take that, Sandy.
**He was not a tenor; he was a baritone, if he was to be considered a singer at all.  This director also thought that a voice part meant being able to hit the notes.  I erroneously believed I was a first soprano for years.
***It kills me that I live in a place where there are going to be no snowflakes.

Christmas in July

It's hot here.  I thought listening to Christmas music would help, but I chose the wrong album:  "Wintersong" by Sarah McLachlan*.  It's still hot here, and now I'm just feeling melancholy.

"Wintersong"

"Song for a Winter's Night"

At least this is happening now.  I don't think I could handle it at actual Christmas.  Oh well, back to wishing I had a river that I could skate away on...

*This is the only time that I will use the words "wrong" and "Sarah McLachlan" in the same sentence.

A Chrismukkuh Giveaway

Confession time, guys: I love "The O.C." Shut up, it's really well-written, and you know you secretly like it, too.

At any rate, this secretly works out well for all of you readers, as it has inspired my very first blog giveaway (because giveaways are things that blogs have to do now in order to be legit). If you recall, on "The O.C.", "Chrismukkah" is a holiday invented by half-Jewish teen Seth Cohen as a way to blend the best features of Christmas and Hanukkah. It's rumored to have "twice the endurance of any normal holiday." In the Season 1 Chrismukkah episode, Seth is torn between two girls, Summer and Anna, and decides to give them both the same gift (which, men, if you don't already know, is a terrible idea): the "Seth Cohen Starter Pack," consisting of movies, books, and CDs representing Seth's core values.

So here's the deal, readers: read this blog, and make a comment. If your comment is my favorite comment, you will receive the "But You Are Made of Bones Starter Mix," which will be a mix CD compiled of any songs that I deem necessary for you to know in order for our virtual friendship to continue (NOTE: music in this playlist may consist of tracks from any of the "My Music" posts, found here, here, or here). And just as Seth Cohen couldn't choose between Summer and Anna right away (he ended up marrying Summer), I might have two favorite comments, in which case I will make two copies of this CD.

I guess there should probably be a deadline. How does December 28th, the eighth night of Hanukkah sound? Good? Okay.

Good luck, and may the witty commenting skills be with you!

A PhD in Christmas

I bet that in the universe in which Santa Claus lives at the North Pole and every year fights a secret battle against dark forces bent on destroying Christmas, one actually could get a PhD in Christmas (or Nativity Studies, or Christian December Cultural Practices, or something a little more academic sounding). I already have a dissertation idea:

"Determining the Coefficient to Calculate the Maximum Radius of the Cone of Influence of Phoradendron serotinum (North American Mistletoe)"

With such a coefficient, one could complete the following story problem and find out if our two stick figures (let's call them "John" and "Mary") are really "under the mistletoe":

Let's call the coefficient "M" (for mistletoe). There'd have to be some equation like this one:

r = M * [(Attraction Level of Party 1)(1/Attraction Level of Party 2)]^(-1)

I'm sure law students could join in the fun, as well. Check it out:

If John is standing within the cylindrical realm of the mistletoe (with diameter "d"), does he have the right to sue for sexual harassment if Mary kisses him?

The scientist in me feels the urge to buy some mistletoe and run some experiments in social gatherings, because nothing encourages holiday making out like a poisonous plant and a nerd with a lab notebook sitting four feet away.

Christmas Visions

If I were the type of person who cross-stitched, I would totally do this.

Maybe I am that kind of person but haven't discovered it yet. I guess give it a couple of years?

"Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye."

Pardon me while I wax a little poetic in honor of the Christmas season. A friend and I were talking one night about our favorite things about Christmas. When asked superficially, I usually say that I don't like Christmas, but digging deeper, I do have a thing that is my favorite thing about Christmas.

[I must interject something: of course the best and important thing about Christmas is the birth of Christ, and I recognize that. However, as this is something that we (should) try to remember and honor year-round, when I talk about my favorite thing about Christmas, I mean my favorite thing about the cultural/secular/aesthetic aspects of the Christmas Season.]

The other day, walking through Downtown Boston, I had an epiphany: the Christmas season is like a hot guy (or girl, whatever your preference) that flirts with you but doesn't mean it.

You should and do know better to fall prey to the charm and the eye contact, but involuntarily, your lips curl into a smile and eventually, you stop minding. Slowly and surely you give in to the butterflies and the stolen looks and start to entertain the thought that something real and wonderful might be happening.

Such is the case with Christmas.

As one walks through Downtown Boston, one sees lights, hears holiday music blaring and the sound of the bells playing from whatever building that is with the bells across from the Macy's (the old Filene's maybe?), smells cinnamon-roasted nuts sold on carts, sees stands selling Christmas trees and wreaths and mistletoe and Salvation Army Santas on every corner. You think, "this happens every year; it's nothing special," but somehow, the combination of all of it stirs up wells of excitement and cheer and hope that maybe this year, you'll have the kind of magical Christmas you see in the movies.

And then, either literally or metaphorically, December 25th hits you and everything you built up in your head topples over and gets tossed away with the rest of the decorations on December 26th, as if none of it ever mattered.

I have this vision of a Christmas that couldn't possibly exist: I live in a house with a fireplace* and this beautiful tree and everything is color-coordinated. I sit on my couch in an off-white cable-knit sweater that also coordinates with the house color scheme. I drink tea and look out the window, watching the snow fall perfectly to the ground. Eggnog doesn't taste gross. Mistletoe fulfills its Christmas destiny. I know how to ice skate.

I have only myself (and this song, probably) to blame for my romanticized visions of a holiday that I have never remembered going well, but I still hope. I hope that one day I'll have a fireplace and a cable-knit sweater and someone to kiss me under the mistletoe and hold my hand so I don't fall on the ice. Maybe one day there will be carols and merriment and stillness and peace. This is the hope that keeps my heart from being three sizes too small† and makes me want to bake and send cards and see if maybe this is the year I've developed a taste for eggnog.

This is my favorite thing about Christmas.

*I don't have a fireplace now and never had one growing up. When I was little I used to sit in the utility closet with a book and pretend that the pilot light was a fireplace. Were I not such an odd-looking child, this would have seemed pretty pathetic.

†Actually, right ventricular hypertrophy is what keeps my heart from being three sizes too small.

My Music: Holiday Edition

Because I am very strict about only listening to Christmas music during the Christmas Season, and because I went through a phase where I listened to Sarah Bareilles' "Gravity" a million times in a row this past summer, there is no Christmas music on my "Top 25 Most Played" list on iTunes.

However, because I care about you all so much, I went through all of the Christmas music in my iTunes library and found my favorites. Here are the top ten:

1) "Song for a Winter's Night" - Sarah McLachlan. If I could have one moment of extra-diegetic music in my life, it would be with this song. I already have a storyboard for it (in my head).

2) "Snow Angel" - Tori Amos. Tori's voice is just so haunting. It's gorgeous.

3) "A Snowflake Fell (and it fell like a kiss)" - Glasvegas. How could a song start out with the lyric "the breeze from the graveyard keeps murmuring death" and end up to be so beautiful and hope-inspiring?

[NOTE: I realize that these first three songs are about winter and not necessarily Christmas. They're still beautiful. Get over it.]

4) "Wintersong" - Sarah McLachlan. This is also the title of the album. It is my favorite Christmas album.

5) "The Wexford Carol" (arr. Richard Lakey) - BYU Concert Choir. Even though the accompanist comes back in in the wrong key after the a capella verse, it's still beautiful. It sounds like snow. I'm making my ward choir sing it this Christmas.

6) "The First Noel/Mary, Mary" - Sarah McLachlan. If it isn't already clear, "Wintersong" is the best Christmas Album ever, even if I don't already worship everything Sarah McLachlan does. She really shows off her vocal range in this piece. She hits low notes that I even have trouble hitting.

7) "River" - Sarah McLachlan (or Rachel Yamagata, I have both). I should probably look into procuring the Joni Mitchell version at some point in my life if I profess to like this song so much.

8) "All I Want For Christmas Is You" - Mariah Carey. There are two reasons why the original will outlive the Justin Bieber version: 1) Mariah's vocals now aren't what they used to be, and 2) nobody likes Justin Bieber. Nevertheless, it brings out my dancing self.

9) "Santa Baby" - Madonna. This was my very first favorite Christmas song when I was little. I think I liked the way she said "Santa cutie."

10) "Last Christmas" - Wham! I think I really love the line, "I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye," which is a sentiment that I have toward the Christmas season in general, as well as toward other things, probably. More on that later.

Obviously this top ten list seems incomplete as I only based my ratings on songs I currently own. Maybe later I'll make a list about Christmas songs I don't own. I feel an onslaught of many other Christmas-related posts in the future, though. So stay tuned.

My Favorite Christmas Movies

Merry Christmas to all! We all have our favorite Christmas traditions, traditions involving extended family, food, and silly pajamas. No matter how we like to spend our Christmas Eves and Days, it is a truth universally acknowledged that we like our holiday movies and TV specials. In no particular order (well, in some particular order) here are my favorite ways to spend my holiday TV time:

1) "The Shop Around the Corner" (1940). This is a Christmas staple for me. It's not the most famous Christmas movie starring Jimmy Stewart, but it's definitely the least depressing. It's the predecessor to "You've Got Mail," telling the tale of two enemies who are secret pen pals in Budapest, Hungary. It's a cinematically simple film with a great cast.

2) National Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation" (1989). Nobody embodies the true spirit of a family Christmas like Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), an overachiever with a big heart, bigger dreams, and the best intentions...until something goes wrong. The supporting characters are fantastic as well; my favorite is certainly Uncle Lewis (William Hickey) as the crotchety old toupee-wearing cigar-smoker who ignites (literally) one of the most hilarious moments in the movie (unless, of course, you're a cat person).

3) "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (1965). Does this even require an explanation? From Vince Guaraldi's unforgettable score, to the pathetic little tree ("all it needs is a little love!"), to Linus' recitation of Luke 2, this half-hour special is full of holiday goodness.



4) "A Muppet Family Christmas" (1987). This TV special is nearly impossible to find nowadays, but boy, am I glad our family taped it over 20 years ago. The story begins with Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, and their friends on a trek to visit Fozzie's mother for Christmas. Little do they know that Fozzie's mother has her own plans to leave her farmhouse and take a holiday in Malibu, leaving her house to a renter (Gerry Parkes). After the Sesame Street gang comes caroling, and Kermit and his nephew stumble upon some Fraggles, the entire Jim Henson franchise ends up celebrating an unexpectedly happy holiday together. For anybody who's ever had more overnight guests than sleeping space or a persistent icy patch on the front steps, this Christmas special is sure to hit home.

5) "Elf" (2003). I don't normally like Will Ferrell's movies, but this one is just adorable. Though I don't necessarily identify with Buddy the Elf, I'm glad there are some of him in the world.

6) "It's a Wonderful Life" (1946). Let's face it, this movie is really depressing, and if it were starring anyone other than Jimmy Stewart, I probably wouldn't watch it. But the parts that aren't depressing are pretty darn wonderful (for instance, the part that makes me hate the invention of the speakerphone). I've always wondered though, if Clarence really had been watching this whole series of events before showing up, shouldn't he probably have been aware of the fact that Mr. Potter had the $8000 the whole time? And how does Mr. Potter live as long as he did? Really.

7) "Scrooged" (1988). Of all of the modern-day adaptations of Christmas Carol, this is probably the best (especially since Tori Spelling is nowhere near it). Carol Kane is brilliant as the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the closing number ("Put a Little Love in Your Heart") is spectacular.

8) "Miracle on 34th Street" (1947). When I was in high school, I went to an audition for a radio-show style production of this classic. My dad drove me. He got cast as Kris Kringle. His delivery was awful. I, who poured my heart and soul into the audition, got cast as Alfred, the fat kid who sweeps the locker room. Despite these negative associations, I can't deny that this is a great story. Although, that whole courtroom fiasco would never fly in the real world (unless it were the O.J. trial...what?).

9) "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street" (1978). "But how does Santa Claus fit down those tiny little chimneys?" That is the question plaguing Big Bird on Christmas Eve. He poses a series of experiments, takes public opinion polls, and even waits up all night to ask Santa. In the end, the only explanation is that it's "a true blue miracle." Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie exchange their most prized possessions for gifts for each other in a sub-plot that would make O. Henry shed a tear. With great songs (not among the least of which is Oscar the Grouch's rant "I Hate Christmas") and the fact that it pre-dates Elmo, this is another Christmas classic.

10) "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (1966). I'm not really married to this one, but I needed to round out a top ten, and I am quite partial to Boris Karloff, and compared to the Jim Carrey version, this is a holiday gem.

Honorable Mentions: "Home Alone" (1990), "John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together" (1979), "The Muppet Christmas Carol" (1992), and "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (1993).

Now, before you get all in a fuss about what was (or wasn't) on this list, remember, this is my blog, not yours, and I have my reasons. For one, stop-motion animation creeps me out (at least Tim Burton owns it). Maybe when I watch "White Christmas" all the way through, or have annoying little boys who desperately want toy guns, I'll change this list. Until then, have a wonderful rest of your holiday and a happy New Year!

Christmas Spirit

It's the Christmas season, and for some reason, I'm feeling rather jolly. It's strange, because I'm never jolly, but this season, I'm ready to haul out the holly and fa-la-la-la-la my way to the North Pole.

I think it might have started with the decorations, or the music, or maybe the fact that I've been done with finals since this past Thursday. Finals went really well. The anthro one definitely required studying, but it was nothing too terrifying. Expert Witness took about five minutes...bless the professor's heart. The following weekend was filled with some pretty awesome parties. I attended a White Elephant (aka "Yankee Swap," "Nasty Christmas," or "Bring a Ridiculous Gift to be Placed in a Communal Pile and Selected at Random by Another Party Attendee") party and was blessed to not receive the live crustacean (that's right...someone brought a lobster). The following night was a ward Christmas activity that involved delicious food and skits. Anyway, I felt like I piled up some social points this weekend.

The musical aspects of Christmas were amazing. The ward choir Christmas program went off without a hitch (well...with one exception...); we even pulled off this amazingly difficult but awesome arrangement of "Of the Father's Love Begotten." That evening we had the Relief Society Christmas Concert, which also went really well.

As part of my Christmas Spirit having, I decided to make Figgy Pudding. It wasn't horrible, at least after all the rum extract cooked off. I'm excited to try some more holiday baking once I'm home and don't have to pay for ingredients. It should be awesome. I'll keep you updated. Until then...Happy Holidays (is what Terrorists Say!--Merry Christmas!)