Manners for Mormons...

...or, "How to Attend a Party Without Making the Hostess Want to Kick You"

Mormons have a ton of great qualities, but after socializing with them almost exclusively for the past eight or so years, I've come to realize that a lot of LDS people seem to have never learned a lot of basic principles of etiquette.  Maybe I notice this because it's part of a culture that I've never been fully immersed in as the child of parents who didn't join the Church until I was five, or maybe there are just a select few of us who somehow learned how to behave properly in social settings "of the world."  

So to all of the Mormons who read this blog, here are some basic helpful hints as to how to attend a (dinner) party:

1. Show up on freaking time.  For dinner parties, this means show up early.  If you're invited to a dinner party and the host(ess) tells you "dinner is served at six," that means that the plan is to sit down at the table at six o'clock, bless the food, and start eating.  Six o'clock is not the time to call and ask where you should park, or (heaven forbid) leave your house. If dinner is served at six, it's perfectly acceptable to show up at 5:45 to mingle, or help out in the kitchen should you be needed.  I've hosted many dinner parties, and it's extremely frustrating to have food ready at a certain time but be forced to serve it cold twenty minutes later.
2. On bringing food:  If you're contributing an important part of the meal, see point #1.  If you're bringing food to a dinner* party, check with the host(ess) to see if what you're bringing is acceptable, or if it's necessary for you to bring anything at all.  I don't care if you make the world's best brownies; if the hostess already has dessert covered, don't bring them.  Also, make sure what you're bringing goes with the theme of the meal.  For instance, if the bill of fare is filet mignon and creme brulée, bringing a bag of Double-Stuffed Oreo Cookies is just going to make you look like an idiot.  Call ahead.  Say, "can I bring anything? and if so, what?"  Also, if you're bringing something, bring everything required for the serving of that something (serving spoons, etc.).  
3. On bringing people:  Don't.  Well, maybe that's a little hasty, but this is one of the biggest sources of social faux pas in Mormon (dinner) parties, and I have so many stories about this one that I'm not going to share here.  Sure, we're supposed to be all friendly and open and welcoming, but we only have so many plates and chairs.  So unless the invitation explicitly says, "please feel free to invite friends/roommates/etc..." do not invite other people without checking with the host(ess) first!**  Nothing is more terrifying to a host(ess) than the thought of "we don't have a chair/plate/Cornish game hen for you" when opening door to an uninvited dinner guest.  On a related note, if you unfortunately catch wind of a party happening to which you haven't been invited, don't invite yourself.  Please.  Have some sense of shame.  Even if you think it was an oversight and everyone would be happy to have you.  Refer to the following pie chart:

"Actual Reasons" include the following:
a.  There are too many people already and we had to make cuts.  Sorry, but it happens.
b.  The host (or someone that the host likes better than you) doesn't want you there.
c.  You're a victim of the "net."  If you were invited, the host would feel obligated to invite someone connected to you in some way, like your roommate with personal boundary issues or your snobby significant other.  Again, sorry, but it happens.

So here's the take home message:  (dinner) party hosts are doing you a great service.  Out of the goodness of their hearts, they're opening their homes and going to a great deal of trouble to feed and entertain you.  The least you could do is make their job--no, wait, not "job," as this implies that it's an obligation--make what they're doing because they like you a little easier and less stressful.

Thank you.***

*If it's just a regular, non-dinner party, the rules are a little bit looser, so yeah, bring your chips and salsa and brownies to that.

**But this is also really tricky (i.e. frowned-upon).  Asking to invite someone more often than not puts the host(ess) in an extremely uncomfortable position, the position of "I don't want this person at my party but everyone will think I'm a horrible person if I say they can't come."  If it's a dinner party, best not to invite anyone.  If it's a regular party, check to see if it's okay.  It's more of a courtesy than an actual asking of permission, because really, the host(ess) won't say no in most cases unless [far too many specific stories here].

***Is what you should be saying to them, you ungrateful little weasels ;)