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I'm 3/4 of the way done with my job in Hawaii.  I wish I could say that I'm starting to see the light, but it still feels like I have a lot of tunnel left.

Yep.  I blogged a cheesy tumblr quote.  Hawaii is destroying my sense of pride.

So we don't get separated.

As proof that I am becoming ever-so-much more off-kilter, the following scene from the series finale of "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch"* sent me into full-blown tears last night:

SPOILER ALERT:  Sabrina and Harvey end up together. 

Also Joey marries Pacey and Jen dies.  These things should be common knowledge by now.  

Also, this No Doubt song has been stuck in my head all day now.

Let me reiterate: not just misty eyes, but full-blown, can't-breathe-out-of-my-nose, tears.**

If that's not enough to induce sadness, though, here is a picture of what Nate Richert (aka Harvey Kinkle) looks like now:

Just...no.

*The full series is on Hulu now.  Inner junior-high Alex had a little geek-out about that.  Outer twenty-something Alex admits that it's definitely cheesier now, but will watch it anyway.
**I can't deny that hormones are also probably involved.  On a related note, I'm going to a chocolate-making class tomorrow and it's going to be awesome.

I Need a Win

I need a win.  Desperately.

I need a snow day, but it doesn't snow here (stupid Hawaii).

I need a sick day, except for the first time in my generally frail and sniffly life, I am surprisingly healthy.  And I have too many stupid morals to take a sick day when I'm not really sick.  Does the fact that I haven't slept well since I got back from Boston count as a sickness?

I guess I could take a "mental health day."  I have been feeling lately like I'm going crazy.

The not knowing what I'm doing with my life is driving me particularly crazy.  I've been accepted to three graduate programs so far, and of those three I have an idea of which one I'm going to choose.  I'm still waiting to hear from my top two choices, though, which makes it really hard for me to get excited about that one.  I feel that at this point I'm waiting for one of them to tell me "no," and for the other one, I'm waiting for an interview to be scheduled.  I hate that it's mid-March and I don't know where I'm going yet.  I hate not having a finite plan, or a future to get excited about.

Another thing that just hit me is that, for the last two months that I'll be here, my rent will be essentially doubling (don't ask).  I don't want to move, and I doubt that I'll be able to find someone to live with me (or who would want to live with me...because apparently people don't) for only two months.  At least it's only for two months, and the amount of extra rent that I'll be paying very closely resembles the amount that is my tax refund...so there's that.

And Daylight Savings Time happened this Sunday.  Did it come early this year?  I know it's the same time difference that it was when I first moved here, but I got so used to the five hours in the "winter."  Now it just feels like everyone I love moved 1000 miles farther away from me.  And my talking-to-my-mom-on-the-phone schedule is all messed up and we haven't talked sufficiently in days and I miss it.  Yes, I'm a grown woman and I miss talking to my mommy.

So I need a win.  I need a magical trip to Europe (that will never happen).  I need a long drive through New England while Florence and the Machine and Jump Little Children are blasting from the CD player.  I need a letter from my dream school (even if I don't know which one that is yet) saying that they'd be ecstatic to have me.  I need a hug from one of the only few people authorized to hug me.

I need something to sing about.

Dessert Disaster

Today was Fast Sunday, the day when Mormons abstain from two meals (or 24-hours-worth of eating), say a prayer to end it all, and then proceed to consume everything in sight.  After eating my delicious Pineapple Curry that I made on Friday, I decided that I wanted some dessert.  I had nothing (e.g., brownie mix) on hand, but I remembered all of those Pinterest things where you could just make a cake in a cup in the microwave and it's supposed to be delicious.

I found this recipe.  I didn't have any cocoa powder but I figured, hey, I'll just substitute melted chocolate chips and it'll be kind of the same, right?  Also, I didn't really put a ton of effort into accurate measurement.  In fact, I don't even have a tablespoon measure, so I used my cookie scoop because it looked about like a tablespoon.  And of course I can't let a recipe be, so I added vanilla extract (which might have actually saved the flavor a bit).

I put it in the microwave for a few minutes and this is what came out:

"It Came From the Microwave!!"

It reminded me of that "elephant toothpaste" reaction that people do in basic chemistry classes for fun.  It was bouncy, I'll give it that much.  When I was making the batter it didn't look "chocolatey" enough so I added a few more chocolate chips, but they all sank to the bottom of the ramekin and were kind of burned tasting.  Even so, it wasn't the worst thing I had ever put in my mouth (that award still goes to Poi).  After eating about half of it, though, I decided it would be better off in the trash can.  Perhaps if I try it again I'll actually follow the directions.  And buy cocoa powder.

Thoughts on My (Brief) Return to Boston

I went back to Boston this week, only for a short trip (it was too short), but it was absolutely wonderful.  Even in February, which is objectively the worst time one could possibly be in New England, it was like being in heaven.  A beautiful heaven full of old buildings and rich history and delicious food and evocative smells and wonderful friends.  When I first got back I was nervous that the whole thing about not being able to "go home again" would turn out to be true, that everyone around me would have moved on or been indifferent to my return.  Gladly, this was not the case.  Sure, there were no rose-garden ceremonies or slayings of fatted calves, but the welcome I received was so warm.  I had forgotten what that felt like.  This is not to say that it wasn't a little weird being back.  There were moments when I felt that I had just woken up and Hawaii was all a dream (if only).  Then there were moments when I felt that being in Boston was a dream.  But what a good dream it was.

Some highlights of my trip:  I ate at UBurger (the best of all burger places), slept on the comfiest couch in my old apartment in Charlestown, had some delicious Indian food, walked around Harvard Square (and went into Colonial Drug solely to sniff a perfume that my grandmother wore), shopped at Anthropologie, re-joined the rest of America and ran on Dunkin', went window-shopping and cupcake-eating with a girl-friend, walked through the South End, rekindled my romance with the MBTA (so, so, SO much better than public transportation in Hawaii), went to church at the Longfellow Park building (best church day in over eight months)*, exercised nearly all exemptions to my no-hugging rule, and visited an old professor at BU.  While I was doing this last thing (or, waiting in the lobby of the medical building before my appointment with her, rather), I had the following thought:

I've lived in three places that are not my parents' home:  Utah, Boston, and Hawaii.  Living in Utah was like living in a hole I had burrowed in the sand:  it fit comfortably, but once I left, the hole filled itself back in again.  Living in Hawaii is like trying to burrow a hole in a thick sheet of titanium:  all you can do is sit on the surface; it's impossible to make the slightest mark or indentation.  Boston was completely different.  Living in Boston is burrowing a hole in somebody's heart and having that hole still be there for you even after you've been gone for a long time.

I loved every minute of my stay until the minute when I remembered I had to go back to Hawaii, and then I started sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of a dodgeball game.  Under this attack of nostalgia I retreated to my old chapel and, too reasonable to resort to actual prayer, begged some imaginary force to not make me go back there.  I didn't remember the feeling of leaving being that terrible the first time, but then again, I didn't know what was in store for me in Hawaii the first time.  I thought that Hawaii would be a new adventure with new friends and new happy experiences.  I didn't know that even after eight months, I'd still feel alone, unwelcome, uninvited, and deeply miserable.  My only consolation is that it has been over eight months, which means there are just under four months remaining.

As I said before, the trip was too short.  There is far too much in Boston to absorb in only three days (especially when one of those days is a Sabbath).  That is why I am most grateful that, even though I don't know what the autumn holds for me, I am definitely returning to Boston for the summer.  But summer had better come quickly, because I am starting to get oh, so trunky.


*I posted this very fact on Facebook and a counselor from my Honolulu Branch Presidency "liked" it.  I strongly suspect that he thought I was talking about church in Honolulu, meaning that he didn't even realize that I was gone.

My Music: Valentine's Day Edition

A while ago I found this playlist online.  I can't say that I'm an expert in "Baby Making" music, but I found many of the tunes the author suggested to be quite respectable (I even own a few of them!).  Then I thought, what if I should need to make babies?  Do I have a playlist?  No, that's not what I thought, but nonetheless, I thought I would see what I could come up with from my iTunes library.  So here you are, for your Valentine's Day enjoyment, the Top Five Sexy Songs I own.

5.  "Lucky" (Bif Naked) - For goth romance.  This song was featured in Season 4 of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" when Buffy had her ill-advised liaison with Parker Abrams.*

4.  "Breathless" (Corinne Bailey Rae) - This is the "let's kick this friendship up a notch" sexy song.  Also, Corinne is just generally good for the romance.  Runner up:  "Trouble Sleeping."

3.  "How" (Regina Spektor) - Regina is the queen of the indisputably effective subtle nuance.  Take that "how" at the end of the first verse:  that is the sound of silky things falling to the floor.

2.  "Elsewhere" (Sarah McLachlan) - According to Xander Harris,** Sarah McLachlan has her own category of love.  Runner up:  "Possession (Piano Version)"...or let's face it, basically her entire "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" album.

1.  "Loving You" (Paolo Nutini) - Oh my gosh, this song (and also Paolo Nutini in general) is the epitome of sexy.  It's also quite well-versed for a song containing the lyric "Let's get down and freaky, baby."

So there you have it.  As with all of my ordered playlists, the order is disputable, of course.  Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.  And remember, when you listen to sexy music with someone, you're listening to sexy music with everyone they've listened to sexy music with.


*It's also one of the only non-orchestral single tracks used to underscore a sex scene in BtVS.  The only other time this happens is in Season 6.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize that the Great Sapphic Power Ballad, "Under Your Spell" was part of a sex scene until I was in my mid-twenties.
**Is it bad that I have two Buffy references to justify my sexy playlist?

The Story of How I Am AMAZING at Shopping

I have these sandals that I wear whenever I'm not at work or whenever I have to walk long distances.  They were over a year old when I moved to Hawaii, and I've given them some serious mileage since then, so they're in pretty bad shape.  In addition, even though they are sandals and supposed to be the airiest things one can have on one's feet, they kind of make my feet stink.  Conclusion:  time for new sandals.

I went to this store at the Ala Moana Center called "Robins," which is a store for sensible shoes as well as shoes for old people.  And I found these sandals that looked amazing.  They had arch support, a shock absorber in the heel, and they looked super sturdy.  The hitch:  they were $84.99...kind of pricey for sandals.  After looking around and finding nothing else, I decided to at least try them on.

They were the absolute most comfortable things that have ever been on my feet.  Heavenly, these shoes were.  So I bought them.  They officially became the most expensive pair of shoes I've ever purchased.

After I went home, I went on the internet to find these shoes, and I found them on Amazon.  And they were totally cheaper!  The pair I bought (Oil Green) were $53.56, with no tax, and free shipping.  Also, because Amazon is amazing, I could pay with miles from my credit card, so I ended up only paying just shy of $25 for them.  Granted, I have to go back to Ala Moana Center and deal with returning the shoes, but I can totally deal with that.

So yeah, I'm patting myself on the back, because I am AMAZING at shopping.