Hugs

I don't even really like this kind of hug. I contemplated putting a "Hugs Not Drugs" picture here instead, along with a caption stating that I might have to choose drugs, but then I thought that might spark an intervention...and those always end in a group hug.

I can't believe I haven't done a post about hugging yet!

In general, I'm not a touchy-feely person. I never got along with the "sacrament meeting social groomers" or those girls who hug you when you first meet them or when you haven't seen them for two days. It just doesn't come naturally to me, so as a rule, I don't hug adults who aren't my mom or sister. There are, however, a few exceptions (and you can ask anyone, I didn't just make these up!):

1. The "Extended Absence" Clause: I will hug you if we will not see/have not seen each other for a minimum of four weeks. The length of an absence required to deem a hug necessary is inversely proportional to the amount that I like you.
2. "Post Performance High": Let's say I was in a musical and I was amazing, because, let's face it, I'm incredibly talented, and afterwards you came backstage to congratulate me for being so incredibly talented, I would let you hug me. Or, if by some miracle I played on a sports team with you, and if by some greater miracle this team of which I was a member actually won the "big game," I would hug you and my fellow teammates. Essentially, the awesomeness that I exude in my high levels of performance overcome any reservations I have about touching other people.
3. Extreme Emotional Whatever: If (Heaven forbid) some great tragedy befalls us and we bond over it, we'll probably hug. On the flipside, if something really great happens, like one of us getting engaged (probably you, because if I can't hug people, I certainly won't be marrying them), there'll be an "I'm so happy for you" hug. At any rate, the shock of my actually experiencing emotions of any kind causes me to lash out and hug people.
4. Special Occasions: Birthdays and Pro Forma End-of-Date hugs. If the former, don't expect much more than a flipper hug*, unless I really like you. If the latter, I can't be counted on to initiate this hug; it's up to my date.
5. Individual Exemptions: To be determined on a case-by-case basis. With some people, the relationship transcends all of my hugging rules...or it's just easier to suck it up and hug them than to explain all of this.

*A "Flipper Hug" (patent pending) is a hug in which my elbows are in constant contact with the sides of my body. It's kind of my signature move, not to be confused with my friend Laura's "Thalidomide Baby Hug," in which her hands appear to be budding from her shoulders.