I've mentioned before that I hate the uncertainties, the not knowing where I'm going and the days full of feeling like I'm not moving forward. A lot of things have happened, or rather, haven't happened, that have made me realize that my life is full of "almosts."
Things almost worked out with starting a PhD program at BU this year...until the funding fell through.
I almost got hired for this really well-paying job after leaving a great impression on the interviewer...until they decided on another candidate.
Things almost were progressing nicely in a personal matter...until they stopped.
I often hear people say, "Whatever happens, I know it'll work out for the best," or things to that effect. Why does that always have to mean, "The thing that I want probably isn't going to be the thing that happens, but I'll get over it"? Why can't the "Come what may, and love it!" attitude be applied to things we actually want to happen? I tried to express this ambivalence about the aforementioned personal matter...but three seconds after telling the world that I basically don't care what happens, I realized that the less-desirable outcome isn't going to leave me as emotionally unresponsive as I'd hoped.
A lot of things, job frustration not the least of them, had me really stressed out today. Needing to get away, I took my scriptures down to the Boston Public Garden and sat by the pond and read for a little while. I was reading Alma 37:36-37 and thinking about how that was currently applicable, when all of a sudden (and this is totally one of those things that people talk about in those "Latter Day Saint Voices" articles that I never thought actually happened in real life), the wind started blowing and turning the pages. I thought, "Okay, here it goes, it's totally going to flip to some great scripture that's going to be the most meaningful thing ever," and it flips to Mosiah 23:21-22. I had to laugh...heck yes, my patience and faith are being tried right now. I'm really trying to trust in God more, and be patient and know that at some point, all of the "almosts" will come to an end and I'll be led to where I'm supposed to be.
I can sympathize with a lot of this. My life plans have completely changed in the past year, and I don't really know what it is I want to do anymore. I'm mostly trying to keep myself together while I figure out what it is I am to do with myself for the rest of forever.... It's fun. Especially when things seem to be working out one day, and then the next day it falls apart. I decided to try and be patient and not get caught up in the emotions of every day, but to at least accept those emotions as legitimate (something I don't really like to do much, in the end). I also am trying really hard (it's really a hard thing to do when I enjoy having things planned out) to accept that the Lord has a plan for me and I may not know what that is, so I need to just try my best to figure out the Lord's will instead of getting what I want.
ReplyDeleteMost days the biggest trial is giving up my will and trying to accept what I've been given so far as a blessing.
I like this post, I can definitely relate. I had a moment like that when I heard President Uchtdorf's talk on patience a year ago while struggling to understand why things in life were happening the way they were. I think I still am involved in a game of Tug O' War with Heavenly Father over who knows best for my life. Clearly I haven't learned my lesson yet....
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of You've Got Mail, where she says "People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened." I think it's too bad that sometimes people just expect us to blow on by with stuff. When something doesn't turn out the way I want it to, I want someone to say "That sucks. I'm sorry." Not "Everything happens for a reason." Actually, I really don't want anyone to say anything at all because I prefer not to acknowledge my problems (what problems? yeah, I don't have any). So I'm sorry that things are sucky right now.
ReplyDeleteMaybe there's some sort of cosmic plan out there for me, but so far it's been a no show. I'm just making things up as I go along. Either I'm completely unable to recognize any sort of spiritual guidance or I am so incredibly in tune that I don't notice it any more. Let's be honest, we all know which one it is hahahaha.
ps: the more I think about it the more I think You've Got Mail holds the answers to all of life's problems.