I've recently figured out what's wrong with my social life: this is the first time in my existence that I haven't had a really good male friend. In high school there were my chorus pals; in college I had Logan, Brad, and Colin; and then I moved to Pennsylvania wherein I had a hiatus from friends altogether; and then I moved to Boston where I have my select few female friends. Don't get me wrong--I love my select few female friends, but I miss having a male confidante.
The reason for my desire for a boy-friend (not "boyfriend") probably stems from the fact that, barring my select few female friends (and you know who you are), I really don't get along with other girls. I've tried to befriend the bubbly, giddy, Glinda-the-Good-Witch types at church in the hope that I could somehow socially "normalize" myself, but I just find it exhausting. And when I do try to associate with that type, I feel like a giant, throbbing, sore thumb. There's just a level of sparkliness that I can't achieve, and I don't really care to achieve it. I've come to accept the fact that I don't fit in with most girls that I know: I'd rather stick out than be interchangeable.
The problem in my quest for platonic male companionship is that most (note that I said "most" and not "all"--don't get all offended) of the men I've met are really into the sparkly, interchangeable type. Even the most fascinating story I can tell about dessicated human remains is no match for grabby hands attached to a dazzling smile shaded by bouncy blonde hair. And I'm not jealous, really, but is it so hard for a guy to say "hang on a second, Tina/Kellie/Mandy/Whatever, I'm almost done with my conversation with Alex"? As I mentioned before, the whole process is exhausting.
So this is my cry to the universe: if one of you relatively normal men wants to be my designated male friend, let me know. The only condition is that you treat me like your bro, both in the sense that I come before "hoes" (is that how you spell it?), and in that you don't ever try to date me (unless we're old and desperate and mutually agree upon it). Or any one of my previous designated male friends can just move up here to Boston.
Solution to your problem: married guys. I've made two really great married guy friends (during internships when you have tons of time to talk and no one is going to be all "isn't he married blah blah blah") and it is fabulous. They're already married, so both of you know that you are just friends and will always BE just friends, but they have a great male perspective and treat you as just one of the guys. And of course, the ones who are all "girl that isn't my wife? run for the hills!" won't talk to you anyway...yeah. Of course, in order to progress from just work friends to outside of work friends you usually need to be friends with the wife...and be uglier than the wife...or get married to someone else...okay, married guy friends don't solve all your problems.
ReplyDeleteSide note: I spend a lot of type being all "I hate those happy sparkly girls" but then I wonder...what if I am one of those people? I don't think I could be because 1. I think I fall more on the "bitter" side of the happy scale and 2. I don't sparkle...but what if I'm wrong? What if my whole perception of myself is WRONG????? Please tell me I am not happy and sparkly.
Uh what about me?
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