Alexandra and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Past Two Days

What a past two days it has been!  Like seriously.  It all started yesterday morning when I woke up to the Blue Screen of Death on my computer.  Because, you know, that's exactly what you want a week and a half before your first page of qualifying exams is due.

I took the computer to the BU IT place where hopefully they will fix it and nothing will be wrong with it and it'll last me at least until the statistical computing class I'm taking this semester ends.  But until probably one more business day is over, I am without a computer (I am currently writing this at the medical school library, because blogging is totally what medical school library computers are for).

I called the BU IT place this morning to see if it was ready yet, and it was not.  So since I didn't need to be on campus today until noon, I decided to take a leisurely morning off and read Harry Potter until it was time to go to school.  From my bedroom (which is right next to the bathroom--very convenient for middle-of-the-night potty breaks), I heard water running.  Strange, I thought, I didn't know my roommate was up and in the shower already.  I poked my head out, and nobody was in there.  What was in there, however, was a steady stream of water coming from the ceiling.  And that turned into an even steadier deluge of water pouring out of the light fixture.

It's happened to the best of us.

I am nothing if not a quick thinker in a crisis.  I ripped the garbage bag out of our garbage can and placed the can under where the majority of the water was flowing.  I tried to call the management office, but I can't make a phone call on my stupid-smartphone without getting the "Unfortunately Contacts has stopped" message at least three times.  No time for that!  I ran to the management office without even bothering to put on a coat (it wasn't actually that cold out) and told them what the problem was.  Then I ran upstairs and told upstairs neighbor to stop whatever the heck he was doing with water.  (Did I mention that upstairs neighbor is the cause of so much grief in the form of interrupted sleep in my life already?)  Turned out, his toilet was overflowing for no apparent reason.  He showed me a video he took of the overflowing toilet on his phone.  I'm sorry, but if water is pouring onto my floor and flowing through to the humans below, my first thought isn't going to be, I definitely think I should video this rather than getting some towels and trying to stop the mess from progressing.  Even more annoying than those moms who post pictures of the poop their babies smeared all over themselves and the wall.

Eventually the water stopped and the ceiling stream slowed to a mere trickle.  After a brief lamentation of why do these things always happen when I'm here?, I took off my socks, emptied the trash can (that had at least two gallons of water in it) opened the window, got out the spray bleach, and got to work.  I mopped the grossness off of the floor, dried the walls, and wrung out the bathmat (and left a note that will hopefully persuade my roommates to throw it in the washer since I've wasted at least $6 already washing the thing in the past).  Then a plumber came and helped me empty out the glass globe light fixture that was full of brownish (he assured me the color was from ceiling dirt and I really want to believe him) water.  A drain guy came and dealt with the upstairs toilet.  I then got out the spray bleach again and re-mopped the floor because the plumber didn't take his shoes off.  I think all is well in my bathroom once more.

Thinking about it later, though, I got this thought process that made me feel (a little) better about the whole ordeal.  If my computer hadn't Blue-Screened yesterday, I wouldn't have had to take it to the IT place, which means that I probably would have gone to school with it early this morning, which means that nobody (save a sleeping roommate on the other end of the apartment who also probably doesn't know where the spray bleach lives) would have been home when the Great Flood of 2015 happened and it would have been way worse (see above, re: "at least two gallons of water).  So...Providence?

The 10 Dates of 2014

I go on too many dates.

Almost a year ago, I blogged my goals for 2014.  The only resolution I really followed through on was #4:  to average at least one date a month.  I actually went on over 12 dates--or things that could be considered dates if you're really open minded (actually, like a million, if you count "Speed Mingling"), but with probably 10 different men.  Here are the chronicles of those dates, using aliases to protect the innocent.  (Also, if we went on a date this year and I forgot about you, well, I'm sorry, but you should have made a better impression.)

January
The Ex:  Remember all of those seasons of Friends when Ross and Rachel weren't dating and they hung out all the time and it was fine?  My most-recent-at-that-point ex-boyfriend and I tried that by going on a romantic starlit dinner cruise (it was his work party; I was his plus-one).  It was fun and not too awkward, all things considered.  This ex and I are probably on good ex terms now, in that we don't actually ever see each other but when we do, it's just fine.

No, really.

February
The Now-Married Guy:  Mind you, this church-acquaintance was not married when we went on our sort-of-date to a fried chicken place that is right next to my gym.  This one truly met my goal for this dating project--to sit across a table from a guy I didn't know super well for an hour and make conversation. It was good conversation--we mostly talked about weird things we'd eaten--he'd eaten way weirder things than I had.  Anyway, as I said, he got married recently* to a really awesome woman, which is cool because it is always good when cool people marry each other.

April
The Lawyer:  I had tickets to see Legally Blonde: The Musical at Berklee College of Music, and, as having tickets for stuff is the best way to ask someone out, I took the opportunity to invite the most appropriate date to such a musical--a lawyer friend of mine who lived in my old neighborhood.  I think he probably liked the show even though the law stuff was probably all wrong.

May
The Most Interesting Man in the World:  In April I threw a dinner party and it resulted in me getting invited on dates by every man at that dinner party.  The first date was a performance by the Alvin Ailey Dance Company.  It was an amazing performance.  Now, the guy...as he was telling me about his life and occupation, I kept thinking, how are you a person I know in real life?  I probably couldn't tell you what his actual job is, but his stories were fascinating and very different from my stories, most of which revolve around my very boring grad school life.

The Going-Away Date:  I actually owed this guy a date from a time when he asked me out two years ago when I already had a boyfriend.**  So before he moved away forever, we had a really fun Boston date wherein we went to Quincy Market and took a water taxi around Boston Harbor.  Then we sneaked into a high school prom and got mistaken for people who sell drugs to teenagers, which, if you've seen either of us, is kind of hilarious.  Good times.

June
The One Who Turned into a Boyfriend for a Little While:  Truth be told, the first date with this guy wasn't the most amazing date ever.  It was dinner and walking around Boston, but nothing spectacular.  I didn't give up on him, though, because, for one thing, he was an accountant, and isn't that the type of guy that women are all supposed to end up with?  It actually took a decent amount of time (note the multiple other dates in June) and tedious flirting for us to actually become a Thing, but eventually it turned into a pretty cool thing.  Of course, whenever I have a boyfriend that I really like, one of us has to move thousands of miles away for work, so it was a very short-lived pretty cool thing, but I'm okay.

The Home Teacher:  My awesome home teacher (who also had to move thousands of miles away...stupid Southern California taking all of my people) gave me a ride from the airport one night, and to thank him, I took him to the Jeremy Messersmith concert.  He really liked it, which is important because it stresses me out when I introduce my friends to my favorite things.  Also, he's one of those really outgoing people, and because of him we got to chat with Jeremy and his guitarist!

The Brother of the Groom:  In June I went to the wedding of my very good friend.  At the wedding, I met his younger brother, who was really cool, and who also happened to have nothing to do the next day, so he invited me to go kayaking and eat pizza afterwards.  It was a very fun day.  Although this guy also lives thousands of miles away (what is my problem?) and is probably too young for me, I decided that if we had ever gotten together, our "how we met" story would have been the best sitcom ever, albeit one that got canceled after a half a season because that's what happens to all of the good sitcoms (#saveSelfie).

October***
The Only Man in the World Who Appreciates Men Dressed Like Elderly Women as Much as I Do:  I went to a Golden Girls Drag Show with my friend.  It was rad.  Enough said.

November
The One for Whom I Can't Think of a Good Alias Because I Know That He's Probably the Only One Mentioned Who Will Actually Read This Post:  I went to one fantastic and one just-okay theatrical production with this person, and both times we ate delicious burgers beforehand.  He is awesome and tall and nice-smelling and all sorts of other flattering adjectives that he will read when he reads this.

I hope people don't see this blog post as me being, "hey everyone, look at how many dates I went on this year because I'm so pretty and awesome!"  If you do think that, I'll remind you that I currently have zero boyfriends.  Also, most of these were friend-dates with little-to-no romantic expectations.  Also, I think 2014 was a fluke year and I do not expect as much dating "success" in 2015 (because I'm kind of crabby...and also quals).  This was just my following up on a goal to become better at social interaction, and I think I did okay.



*We're Mormons; we get married quickly; it's fine.
**I almost said "yes" when he asked me out.  I still tell this story as an example of why it's important to use the word "date" when you're asking someone on a date...because otherwise you could just be going to a thing together.
***Lest you think I was having a "dry spell," remember that there was "steady dating" in there...like the kind of stuff you're not allowed to do until you're sixteen.

CY2014 Wrap-Up

Happy New Year, Little Osteophytes!*  I'm not going to a huge "year in review" like I've done in previous years, but I thought I should at least update you on my Goals for 2014.
The goals:

1. I did not attend my high school reunion because 1) I realized that I have unrealistic expectations for reunions because of years of watching TV and movies, 2) the reunion was held the weekend after Labor Day weekend and it didn't make sense buying a plane ticket for such a short time, especially when 3) I didn't actually like high school all that much.
2. I did avoid Facebook for a short time in the summer when a lot of people were being jerks about stuff.  I also did some liberal un-following.
3. If by "go to California" you mean "win a research award that will fund a trip to a meeting in California in 2015," then Check.  (Notice how I inserted a brag about how I won a research award in there?)
4. My 12 Dates/Year quota was the only one I actually did well.  Stay tuned for a post (that I've already drafted) all about how I was a dating fiend in 2014.
5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I was probably high on Diet Coke when I came up with the crazy idea that I would ever stop drinking Diet Coke.
6. I had one fancy dinner party in 2014.  But it was pretty rad and also partly responsible for much of my 2014 dating success.  Dinner parties are tricky though, when one has roommates one feels obligated to invite and wants to make an even table without making it seem like an awkward apartment date.  

I don't think there is anything super cool that happened in 2014 that I have not already blogged about, so here are some goals for 2015:

1. Pass my qualifying exams.
2. Come up with one realistic and one silly backup plan for if I do not pass my qualifying exams.
3. Regain my self-confidence and learn to drive before my PA State ID expires in July.
4. Be legitimately okay about turning 30, regardless of the status of my uterus.  Also start wearing neck cream when I turn 30.
5. Eat more fresh fruits and vegetables and go to the gym at least one time per week and take a vitamin every day and drink lots of water.**
6. Throw some fancy dinner parties.

Be happy and safe, everyone.



*Lady Gaga has Monsters, I have Osteophytes...unless someone can think of a better name for all of my adoring fans.
**I realize that this is four goals in one, but "maintain a healthy lifestyle" was too non-specific.

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Vest

Whenever I'm home, I go through old photos from my childhood and I found a bunch from my tween-teen years in which I was experimenting with some interesting fashion choices.  Shortly afterwards I watched an old Garth and Kat sketch on SNL, and I realized I may have been more of a trendsetter than I thought as a kid, because far before the Wiig-Armisen era, I was rocking the dorky vest.

Wannabes.

Here are some highlights:

This was a pretty benign one that my mom made.  Note how studious it made me look.  Also note my pixie cut, inspired by Halle Berry (however Halle Berry probably never got mistaken for a boy at the 5th grade Halloween Party).

This was just me dressed up for a normal day at church, as far as I know, and not a "Relief Society Presidents of History" costume contest.  I still have the necklace.

This was high school.  I can tell because of the retainer and because I have two distinguishable eyebrows.  My mom made this vest because it was the early 2000's and Asian-inspired things were very in style.

This was one of my more unfortunate hairstyles.  But I think I pulled off the turtleneck-tucked-into-belted-jeans look quite nicely, if I do say so myself.

I was really obsessed with "Goosebumps" books, so when I saw this fabric at the fabric store, I was like, "Mom, you clearly must make me a vest."  Note how my belt matches my shirt, and note my awesome thumb-in-my-belt pose.  Also I think I made this necklace.  Also I'm sure I went to school in this outfit.  None of the other kids were as fashion-forward as I was, and therefore were too intimidated to ever hang out with me.  One time they even put me in a locker as to not be blinded by my stylishness.

I saved the best for last (or vest for last-ha!).  This was also in middle school when Old Navy Performance Fleece was a thing.  We must have been really poor when I was growing up because apparently Old Navy was too expensive for us and my mom bought me this knockoff at Sam's Club.  Discount substitutes notwithstanding, I knew how to be cool.

Is it weird that this reminds me of Anthony Michael Hall in "Sixteen Candles"?

So, Fred, Kirsten, just know that I'm onto you for stealing my look.  It's totally okay, I won't sue or anything, but if you would like to send me thank-you notes or cash or something, that would be cool.

Special Dating Post: Finding Your Holiday Romance

Merry Christmas, gentle readers!  If you're anything like me, you're probably finding yourself single this holiday season.  If you are me, you're finding yourself single this holiday season and spending all of your Christmas vacation watching made-for-TV holiday movies on the Hallmark Channel and ABC Family.  But, because I am brilliant, during this time I figured out exactly how to find true love just in time for Christmas (or New Year's Eve, at the very latest), and while it may be too late for me, I would love to impart this wisdom upon you, gentle readers.  Here are four strategies:

1. The Lie.  Heading home for the holidays?  Family giving you a hard time because in addition to their disapproval of your career choice, you're still single?  Just hire a fake significant other to come home with you--nobody will suspect a thing (which is good, because the truth would just about kill your great grandmother).  Your faux-beau could be an actor, an acquaintance, or just someone that walked into your place of employment one day.  It doesn't matter whether you like each other; it doesn't matter if they're not single in real life; it doesn't even matter if you kidnapped them at gunpoint; once you reveal personal secrets to each other and once you're forced to kiss under the mistletoe in front of everyone, the sparks will fly and you will go from "fakin'" to "taken."*  
2. The Relocation.  No luck finding love in the big city?  Just find yourself in a tiny town for the holiday.  Extra points if it's against your will, and even more points if it's a town that's inexplicably obsessed with Christmas.  Your true love will be pretty easy to find in said small town, because he/she will literally be the only other person your age.  When you first find yourself attracted to this single-parent/widower/veterinarian/volunteer-hockey-coach, be careful, because (as their not-apparently-related older acquaintance will tell you), nobody ever thought he/she would move on after nonspecific-tragic-event.  But in the end (and after you use your big-city know-how to save the town from some crisis), you will be in love, not only with single-parent/widower/veterinarian/volunteer-hockey-coach, but also with small town life, and most importantly, with Christmas.  
3. The Switch.  Don't like your life?  Take somebody else's!  Swap houses with a complete stranger (bonus points if it's a city-mouse/country-mouse situation--see #2).  This is probably one of the more high-reward tactics:  not only will you end up with someone from stranger's hometown, stranger will end up with one of the many people with whom you're having no luck romantically!  Two lovebirds, one stone.  
4. Magic.  Sometimes a case is so hopeless that earthly forces are insufficient.  In these cases, thank goodness for magical Christmas ornaments and older men who may or may not be Santa Claus.  They will manipulate the world so that you'll have a chance to relive that bad date over and over until you get it right, or they'll keep letting you run into that handsome stranger until he realizes how wrong-for-him his snooty rich girlfriend actually is.  At the end, you will give a kiss to your new honey, and a knowing wink to a light in the sky that is definitely your guardian angel and not an airplane.

Gentle readers, there is one week until Christmas.  I have full faith that, by using one or more of these tactics, you will be engaged by 2015.  Good luck!

*I am so, so sorry for that rhyme.

Vampire Slaying, PhD

I posted the following on Facebook one day:

I think that if Buffy had been in grad school instead of high school, she would have been a lot more complacent about all those apocalypses.

This got me thinking, what would happen if Buffy had been in grad school?  Here are some classic BtVS moments, re-imagined to be more appropriate to the grad school life:

Silver Linings...

I won't have to go into lab tomorrow!
(From "Never Kill a Boy on the First Date")

The "I Hate My Life and Every Decision I've Ever Made" Phase

Pretty much sums it up.
(From "Becoming, Part 2")

The Complicated Student/Adviser Relationship

From "Lover's Walk"

Departmental Seminar Refreshments

From "Restless"

And Finally, The Dissertation Defense

From "Showtime"

These are all I can think of for now.  There will probably be follow-up posts once my next Buffy-binge-watching session inspires me.

Reasons Why November Wasn't the Absolute Worst

I could write about how November was pretty sucky, in my true "depressing blog" fashion.  And it was kind of crappy.  The month started out with the epiphany that I'm kind of terrible and nobody will ever love me (not that I deserve it, anyway) and I'll never be as fulfilled as the pregnant ladies in diaper commercials or as musically talented as my roommate and my hair will never stop having split ends.

But really (and especially compared to last November...ugh) it actually wasn't such a terrible month after all.  Here's why:

I was freaking domestic as all heck, for one thing.  I made all manner of Thanksgiving food and a wreath!  Here are pictures:

Sweet Potato Casserole...toeing the line between side dish and dessert.

Cranberry Meringue and Cranberry-Pear-Pecan Pies

The wreath.  Not edible.

There were also two varieties of from-scratch cranberry sauce (not pictured).  The cranberry sauce may have inspired me to take up canning, despite my fear of giving my friends botulism.

I think the wreath was my favorite thing to make, despite it's not being able to be eaten.  Craft therapy isn't just for people in mental institutions, I guess.  Also I did this with people.  Two friends came over and we had craft night and ate soup and rolls and pie and watched the Grumpy Cat Christmas Movie on Lifetime (simultaneously better and worse than it sounds).

I did other things with people in November, too.  Despite my protestations that I was not worthy of love and friendship, people still insisted on hanging out with me (stupid people).  My old roommate came over one night and we ate green curry and watched the second Muppet movie (better than I'd expected it to be).  Another friend and I started a tradition (as in, we've done this twice) of making breakfast* while watching the previous evening's episode of "Grimm."

Culture!  I saw two plays on non-dates with a friend this month.  The first was Awake and Sing, which was really good.  The second was a college-level production of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, which was not spectacular, but it had sentimental value on account of the time I played Lucy in our fifth grade production.  Also before both plays, friend and I ate burgers, which is less "cultured" but still delicious.

Thanksgiving also happened.  Through a last-minute twist of fate involving cranberries, I got talked into going to a friend's family's house for Thanksgiving dinner, and it was lovely.  I played with an adorable three-year-old and got my nurturing quota in for the year.  Not to fear, however--I still managed to get most of my "by-myself Thanksgiving" traditions done on the surrounding days.  Such as watching the "Buffy" Thanksgiving Episode.

One day.

Probably one of the most not-crappy things about November was that I got the results back from my grant application.  Not the knowing-whether-it's-funded results, yet, but the scores.  And the scores were not terrible!  They were in fact quite good!  So much so that if I did get funded, it wouldn't be too surprising!  That I will find out in January, however, so I am crossing my fingers.

So yeah...not bad...not bad at all.  And it's December now, and I've decided to get into the Christmas spirit if it kills me.

*This could be a good time to share the anecdote about how I unwittingly bought a nine-dollar loaf of Brioche at Whole Foods...but it's not that exciting of a story.  I unwittingly bought a nine-dollar loaf of Brioche of Whole Foods.  The French Toast I made therewith didn't even moderately rock my world.