Dating Post #1: The Mormon Meet Cute

Welcome to the first in my blog series about dating (as a Mormon)!

Being a single Mormon compared to being a single non-Mormon is frustrating, and not just for the more, ahem, obvious reasons.  I had this epiphany on the Green Line last week:

If you're not a Mormon, you could find love literally anywhere.  The gym, an elevator, a dog park?  A pub, even.  Any of these places could be the site of your meet cute with your future mate.  But if you're a Mormon (and not living in Utah)?  Church.  Should you be fortunate enough to meet the love of your life, it will probably happen at church.*  Let's think about that for a minute:  you spend three hours per week at church, four if you're a marathon mingler.  That means that you are spending the other 164 hours of your week NOT meeting the love of your life.  Doesn't this seem unproductive?  Especially when you're part of a culture that so heavily emphasizes active effort toward marriage?  I mean, what if the person you like isn't even there that week?  What if there just is no person that you like?  Kind of a bummer.

A meet cute.

This isn't all bad.  For one thing, it takes the pressure off during the rest of the week.  Last week, when I was on the Green Line, I had been rained on quite a bit and was looking rather tragic.  But I didn't care, despite the plethora of handsome men in suits sitting around me.  I was like, whatevs, not gonna date any of these guys anyway.

On the other hand, it can be dangerous.  There's the opportunity to put too much stock in the little things, like small talk.  For instance, if the lady you're crushing on asks "how's school going?" it doesn't mean she's invested in the details of your life; it just means that she remembered that you're in school.  Even the most benign of interactions can escalate to sure signs of attraction over the course of a week in the infatuated mind.

This is the part of the blog post where I offer my sage advice.  How does one make the most of limited time in a closed population of potential love interests?  Well, first of all, be yourself.  It's fine if you want to be a cuter, more snappily-dressed, better smelling version of yourself, but be yourself.  It's bad enough someone only gets to talk to you for ten minutes every Sunday; the least you can do is give them the real you for those ten minutes.  Secondly, and I alluded to this above, but take things at face value.  Don't be all, OMG, he let me have the last cookie at Linger Longer; he totes is into me! and then spend the rest of the week Pinning furniture for your first apartment together.  Because you may never date him.  So enjoy your ten minutes talking to the cute boy, but realize that it is just ten minutes.

Finally, the most practical advice is this:  if you like the person and you're sad that you only get to see them on Sundays, pick up the phone and invite them to see you during the week!  Takes courage, but it's better than feeling unproductive, right?  Although this does have its own set of problems, but more on those later.



*Unless you're into the "flirt to convert" mentality, which I'm not, personally.  But if you're one of those types who is actually good at being a member missionary, my hat is off to you.

A New (Experimental) Label

You'll notice, if you pay attention to the labels in my blog posts, that this one has a new one:  Dating and Relationships.

You may not know this about me, but I am a teeming fountain of good advice and insight about matters of the heart,* and I feel that I would be doing the world a disservice by keeping it all to myself, so I've decided to do a very brief series of posts about dating, particularly as a Mormon, as that is the type of dating I actually know about.

So get ready.

*Or at the very least, a great deal of hilarious snark about matters of the heart.

Reasons April Was Pretty Good

In chronological order...

4/2:  Good news first:  my sister, Gabi, who had been in and out of the hospital with orthopedic issues, finally got to go home from the hospital, and she hasn't been back since.  She seems to be healing nicely, despite the frustration that she doesn't get to go back to work until June.

4/11:  I threw one of my fancy dinner parties.  I roasted chickens, experimented with spring vegetables, and covered a cake (and my kitchen table) in delicious chocolate ganache.  The party part was great, too.  Everyone had a lot of fun and I was once again pleased with my hostessing abilities.

This is the chicken, raw of course,
but look at my symmetrical trussing abilities!

Cake covered in delicious ganache.
I definitely need to improve my food photography skills.

4/12:  The weather was so warm!  I ate French pastries on Newbury Street with my former visiting teacher and my current visiting teaching companion.  Afterwards I walked around Boston and got a fantastic deal on two pairs of shoes.

4/15:  I started taking self-defense classes.  We meet in the basement of a mental hospital, which is kind of creepy, but I'm learning a lot.  It's empowering, and also a really good workout.  

4/19-4/21:  Laura was in town to run the Boston Marathon!  We had lots of fun when she wasn't running 26.1 miles in just over three hours.  We shopped on Newbury St., ate delicious Thai food with my favorite engaged couple, and rocked matching-themed outfits at Stake Conference.  (I also attended Stake Conference...how about that?)

Bird shirts and blue skirts.

4/22:  I took my histology exam and didn't cry.  Then I went to the gym, and then I went to self-defense class!  I patted myself on the back for having energy for all of those things.

4/24:  I went to see Legally Blonde:  the Musical at Berklee College of Music with my friend Jared.  I'm counting it as my April date, making me four for four with my date per month goal!  (I counted speed mingling as my March dates, and rightly so...that was exhausting.)

4/25:  I had nothing to do on this day and so I made green curry and got a pedicure.

4/26-4:27:  I sang with the Longfellow Park Men's Chorus in their premiere concert.  It was a fantastic concert, and it rekindled my excitement about choral music.

I stole this picture from Jan Marie's Facebook.  I hope she doesn't mind.

4/27:  I sang a solo, "How Firm a Foundation," in church and I didn't suck!  Normally I hate singing in church because I have a tendency to suck, but I didn't this time.

4/28:  I led journal club with a Forensic Anthropology article.  It was fun to remember that I am a forensic anthropologist sometimes.  It went well, and the fact that some people were absent from the discussion group didn't hurt one bit.

4/29:  A long day of studying was interrupted by a string instrument jam session with some cool medical students.  (It wasn't as impromptu as I'm making it sound:  a group of us are performing with violins and ukulele and guitar at an event on Monday, and we were rehearsing.  But still, so fun.)

4/30:  I sang "How Firm a Foundation" again at Institute Graduation, again without sucking.  Also the event was followed up by ice cream and mingling.

I'm sure there were lots of other good things in April that I'm forgetting to write about, but check it out:  this was a good month!  Here's hoping May is just as fun.

This never stops being funny.

My Music: April 2014

In which I admit that I was one of those people that played "Let It Go" from Frozen over and over and over again.  In my defense, I spent a good deal of December and January studying during snowstorms, and I needed appropriate music for that.

My Top 25 Most Played on iTunes:

1. Organ Donor (Jeremy Messersmith)
2. Anything Could Happen (Ellie Goulding)
3. Let It Go (Idina Menzel)
4. Vuelie (Frozen soundtrack)
5. C'est la Mort (The Civil Wars)
6. Poison & Wine (The Civil Wars)
7. It's Only Dancing (Jeremy Messersmith)*
8. Lazy Bones (Jeremy Messersmith)
9. Hold On (Mary Beth Maziarz)
10. I Don't Feel Like Dancin' (Scissor Sisters)
11. Frozen Heart (Frozen soundtrack)
12. Toussaint Grey, First in Life and Death (Jeremy Messersmith)
13. Look At Me Now (Karmin)
14. How (Regina Spektor)
15. Thursday (Asobi Seksu)
16. Shake It Out (Florence + the Machine)
17. Snow Day (Jeremy Messersmith)
18. Heidi (Jeremy Messersmith)
19. Dillinger Eyes (Jeremy Messersmith)
20. Knots (Jeremy Messersmith)
21. Timshel (Mumford and Sons)
22. Slow and Steady (Of Monsters and Men)
23. Elsewhere (Sarah McLachlan)
24. Explosions (Ellie Goulding)
25. Your Song (Ellie Goulding)

Good heavens, I listened to a lot of Jeremy Messersmith over the past few months.

Bravery

On occasion, a combination of me obsessing about/practicing a song a lot and me looking really cute will give me the courage to post a video of me singing and playing the ukulele.  So here I am, dressed up for a choir concert, singing "The Story" (originally by Brandi Carlile).  Enjoy...or mock me silently...or say (if you're anything like my mother), "you couldn't have put on a little lipstick?"  

Laundry Day*

Washing my underwear even though I'm not out of clean underwear.

*See you there.  Underthings tumbling.

Getting Real for a Minute

This post inspired me.  If I ever meet K in person, I'm going to throw all my rules about no hugging out the window.

General Conference (aka ten hours of church) is this weekend.  I'm nervous.  I used to love General Conference for all the messages and memories.  Last October was different, though.  It started out okay:  President Uchtdorf's talk--fantastic!  Elder Holland's talk--so necessary!  Then it changed.

I don't have children, I'm not married, and I'm older than a lot of Mormon women who are married.  I'm obviously conscious of these things, but the talks at last October's General Conference ensured that I was painfully aware of them.  Excruciatingly painfully aware that even though I was on a great career path and studying awesome things and succeeding in my schoolwork, I wasn't making the single most important contribution to (Mormon) society that a woman could possibly make by being a wife and mother.  What almost made it sting more was that I actually wanted to be a wife and mother, but I just wasn't, nor was I on a path that was going to get me there anytime soon, and I felt I was being told--by men whom I had sustained to be the mouthpieces of my God--that, that wasn't good enough.  That I was failing.  Deficient.

(I'm sure the context of my life at the time didn't help.  I had just started my PhD program, essentially committing myself to school and to Boston for at least four years--into my early thirties; I was in a relationship that I wasn't sure about and was starting to go downhill; and People who weren't me Were getting married.)

Nonetheless, I felt awful.  I spent the Sunday evening weeping in my poor then-boyfriend's room (on his Birthday, of all days, which made me feel even worse).  I don't think I had ever cried that much before, but I had good reason.  General Conference is supposed to be uplifting, but instead, it made me feel worthless.  I felt betrayed.  Later that month, I went to the temple for solace, but that just made me feel even more sad and alone, but this time in a very Eternal sense.  I struggled with going to church for a while--I tried going an older single adult ward to be around women who maybe had feelings similar to mine, but I kind of felt out-of-place and underage there.  Going to my own ward became a source of social anxiety.  It was really hard.  But it was also during this time that I realized that I must have a testimony of at least some of the Gospel, because otherwise, why would I still even come to church?  If there wasn't at least a tiny piece of me that believed that Christ was my Savior who died to take away my pain, I wouldn't have put myself through so much anxiety and emotional discomfort every week.

I don't know if it was the Atonement or if it's just time (it's probably both, to be honest), but I'm better now.  Not 100%, mind you, but better.  I went back to the temple last month with my visiting teacher.  Despite my apprehension, it was a generally positive experience.  I've gotten to a place where I'm a little more hopeful and at peace about things.  I still fight the Mormon Doctrine/Tradition/Culture vs. Personal Convictions battle at least once a week, but I've found kindred spirits (both in real life and on the internet) who are in that same battle and whose voices have been a real comfort and inspiration.

I'm still wary of this weekend's General Conference, though.  I feel like I'm going to be watching it in assumed "crash position," bracing myself for something that might again shatter my sense of self-worth as a Mormon woman.  I'm just hoping I can find something good that speaks to me and that those things are enough to sustain me for the next six months.



*****
End-note that is sort of related but doesn't really go with the rest of this post:  A while ago, probably not long after last October's conference, I wrote some thoughts that would probably have gone into an imaginary letter to all the general authorities that talk to all the single ladies.*  Here are those thoughts:

Acknowledge that there are single, childless women in the Church, but do it without pity.  Don't tell us that your hearts ache for us because most of our hearts ache just fine for ourselves.  Don't tell us that we can still be nurturers by sharing stories of old maids who became awesome Primary teachers.  Talk about other roles single women fill within the church; talk about single sisters as visiting teachers, missionaries, and temple workers.  Tell us that we are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to find meaning and joy in our lives, even if that meaning and joy won't come from serving in the "ideal" role of wife and mother.

*Now put your hands up.