Honey Bee-YU, or (Very) Small and Simple Things

I went to BYU.  I really liked it.  Being a BYU student was a pretty good experience (probably because the aspects of my personality that I would have had to hide at BYU hadn't developed yet), but being a BYU Alumna, on the other hand, is a different story.

Every so often, on a Friday night around 7:00 pm (because somehow they know I have no life?), some perky returned missionary named Tyler (they're all named Tyler), calls me up on the phone, asks me about my life, tells me about the new developments at BYU, and then asks me for money.  Recently, I've decided to loosen my purse-strings a tiny bit and donate.  They do have a new anatomy lab, and I can support that, and I figured, maybe if I gave them enough cash they would finally acknowledge that my life is cool enough to get a two-line blurb in the "What are the Alumni up to?" section in BYU Magazine.*  This last time, I gave them some money, and I got this lovely card signed by Cecil O. Samuelson's printer:

This is out of focus, but whatever.  It's scriptures (of course).

It was nice enough from the front of the card.  But here's what the card said on the inside:

Keeping with the tradition of assuming people can't read things from photographs of printed words, here's the text of the second paragraph:

"In fact, your gift is much like the contribution the honeybee makes to its beehive.  Over its short lifetime a single honeybee contributes one-twelfth of one teaspoon of honey to its hive.  Because the bees work together and depend on each other, work that would be overwhelming for a few becomes lighter, and the results are astounding."

Um...what?  They could have just been like, "thanks for your donation; it was nice of you; here's a receipt for when you do your taxes," but comparing my donation to minuscule volumes of bee spit?  They should have just been a little more direct, for example:

Dear Alexandra,

Thank you for your small contribution to Brigham Young University.  We just wanted to acknowledge how small your contribution really was.  So small that a poor scholarship kid had to buy a used American Heritage textbook.  If you want some additional perspective, here's what the Marriots gave last week:  [large sum].  They're having another wing of a classroom building named after them.  You wouldn't even get one of the dodgy Cluff Building bathroom stalls named after you with what you gave us.  Nonetheless, we wanted to express our appreciation by sending you this thank-you card that cost only slightly less to design, print, and mail than the wee amount that you donated.  Someone will be calling you again shortly at a very inconvenient time asking for more of your mere pennies. 

Sincerely,

Not even the current President of BYU because that guy only signs cards going to high rollers. 

Again, I liked BYU, and I would go there again.  I just wouldn't graduate.



*They still haven't.  Apparently spending a year identifying the remains of missing American Heroes before going on to get my freaking doctorate isn't as news-worthy as having my eighth kid or publishing a book about upholstery.