A PhD in Christmas

I bet that in the universe in which Santa Claus lives at the North Pole and every year fights a secret battle against dark forces bent on destroying Christmas, one actually could get a PhD in Christmas (or Nativity Studies, or Christian December Cultural Practices, or something a little more academic sounding). I already have a dissertation idea:

"Determining the Coefficient to Calculate the Maximum Radius of the Cone of Influence of Phoradendron serotinum (North American Mistletoe)"

With such a coefficient, one could complete the following story problem and find out if our two stick figures (let's call them "John" and "Mary") are really "under the mistletoe":

Let's call the coefficient "M" (for mistletoe). There'd have to be some equation like this one:

r = M * [(Attraction Level of Party 1)(1/Attraction Level of Party 2)]^(-1)

I'm sure law students could join in the fun, as well. Check it out:

If John is standing within the cylindrical realm of the mistletoe (with diameter "d"), does he have the right to sue for sexual harassment if Mary kisses him?

The scientist in me feels the urge to buy some mistletoe and run some experiments in social gatherings, because nothing encourages holiday making out like a poisonous plant and a nerd with a lab notebook sitting four feet away.